Lifting mood

Hiki wairua

• Read Corporal Matt's story on managing depression

  You wouldn’t know it looking at me now, but this time last year my world turned into a black, scary chasm from which I had to desperately fight my way out. It began with a busy, stressful work period. I didn’t have the right mechanisms in place to cope—I admit that— and the way I saw life took a dark turn. I became stressed and anxious, and at the same time I realised my stress and anxiety was rubbing off on my colleagues. I was afraid of the stigma that surrounded Mental Health issues and feared for my career.

  I was due to deploy but began doubting my ability to do the deployment. My stress levels were at the max, and I went over the edge and couldn’t get out. I approached my command chain who were excellent in the way they helped me. I was displaying severe symptoms of depression and anxiety, and the Army put things in place to help me deal with that. After a while I feel better about myself.

  The opportunity for another deployment came up. I put up my hand but discovered I had been medically downgraded and wouldn’t qualify. That sent me spiralling downwards again because I was feeling OK. I trusted their (the command chain) judgement. They weighed up the risk, and I accept that risk assessment, but it was hard. I knew they had my best interests at heart. My anxiety made me feel totally isolated. I felt OK at work but when I was in civilian clothing I felt completely distraught. It’s a deep, dark hole and you just can’t find the light. Being in crowds was a big deal and was very difficult to deal with at times which is something that I think a lot of people are trying to cope with.

  I have learned that along with the help that was offered to me, there are things I can do that help with my anxiety. Basic deep breathing is one thing that helps, and taking stock –kind of looking at your own situation objectively— can help. Sometimes you can’t quite see the light at the end of the tunnel, it may seem so distant, but by breaking things down into really small goals it makes things a lot easier. Every time I achieved one of those tiny goals I felt good about myself and it pushed me to carry on, goal after goal, day after day. Since telling a few people about my situation I have found so many people are in the same boat as me. It’s so important to talk to someone. You have nothing to lose. You are far better off talking about it than hiding it and pretending everything is OK. I accept I may find myself feeling unwell again in the future. I have up and down days. There are going to be more tunnels, I know that. I have won the battle, but the war might never end. People need to realise that you can’t just expect it all to disappear, you might come across another tunnel like I have, and that is perfectly normal! In my opinion it would be dangerous to think that it’s gone forever. Depression does not manifest itself as you, nor do you manifest yourself as depression, it is merely a state of mind as is euphoria and anger. If you can accept this then you are one step closer to dealing with depression and anxiety in a respectful manner. Yes I say respectful, Depression is one of those demons that will challenge you but respect you if you can accept and respect IT! Kia Kaha.

  To access the PDF of this story and others, please click here

• Read Flt Lt James' story on "walking the black dog"

  If I'm honest I think the Black Dog has kind of always followed me around from time to time over my career. I mean I have better language to put around that now, but the first couple of times I think I just did whatever I had to in order to get through it. 

  The first time I'd just been through a break-up that really affected me, and I did what everyone around me did at the time and that was to hit the bar. I think I took it too far though and before long I discovered I had a reputation for drinking too much, and I started getting in trouble for "hijinx" and crossing the line of what I could get away with. I was just covering up what was going on for me with a socially acceptable coping mechanism, albeit an unhealthy one. That's how I would explain it today. Back then, I was just getting through. 

  Another time I remember thinking "should I go on this flight or should I go see the psych". It was really a toss up, I was so conflicted. Looking back on it now it's an easy decision but back then, amongst all these high performing people all around me who all had it together I'm in there thinking "why am I the only one who is struggling to get it together?" Years later I caught up with a mate and he had gone through something similar and I just really admired his courage in telling me, because here I was having had this experience but he had the guts to tell me first. 

  I don't think I'm done with the Black Dog, but I think I've got it on a tighter lead, and I know when things are starting to feel wobbly and I can course-correct. That's the benefit of having come through a few dark patches and seen what works and what's just all talk. 

  When I was drinking too much, I remember being worried about being judged by some of the boys who clearly thought I was over-doing it. I could have really used their help back then, I just didn't know how to ask.

  To access the PDF of this story and others, please click here

• Read Pearl's story on helping her partner through depression

  He'd changed. It was gradual at first.  He was angrier, quick to lose his temper and flying off the handle at everything.  He said it was everyone else's fault. He became more and more withdrawn, he never laughed or smiled, and at home he mostly sat in "his" chair with a scotch in his hand staring into the floor or at the TV. He stayed on at work a lot more and slept in weekends.

  Our kids were the soft target of his temper and increasingly spent time in their rooms when he as home. We were all walking on eggshells not to upset him. People were noticing the change at work too asking if he was ok. He didn't think he had a problem. He told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me and the kids anymore. I began to doubt whether I wanted to be with him too. After a couple of months of this he moved out. I felt relieved, I think the kids were too, but worried for him. Things on the work front got worse, and finally he got help. The doctor diagnosed him with depression, put him on stress leave and referred him to a clinical psych. He went on medication, he didn't like doing that at first but it made a big difference. He realised it wasn't us anymore and he came home. He gradually got better, I remember the first time we laughed together again, it had been a long time for both of us.  

  Our relationship has changed, but we are ok.   He's off medication now and mostly back to his old self again. What caused it I don't know - there was some family history but there were work pressures and some stuff from deployments that he'd bounce right through at the time.  Our men are tough, asking for help isn't easy for them.  He had to hit a crisis before he got help and even then he didn't really know he had the problem, partly that was the depression.   It's hard was hard on him and everyone around him.   But he got help and he is ok now.

  To access the PDF of this story and others, please click here

• Read LCPL Mike's experience of depression

  As a young soldier, I never understood what “depression” was, its impact on someone’s life or more importantly, how someone “got it”. As work started to become more stressful, returning from deployment, a failed relationship, a string of different injuries/medical downgrades and financial issues started arising, I slowly started to understand it.

  
  I (mostly) managed it myself. Exercise, limiting alcohol, hunting all seemed to keep dark thoughts at bay. However, I was always cognisant of what seemed to be a “darkness” looming. The more I tried to fight it, the worse it got. Before I knew it, the feelings of loneliness, worthlessness and purposelessness all started to overtake what was normally a high level of motivation. I started to shift away from socialising, preferring to spend my time alone. My love for hunting was taken over by a need for alcohol. My passion for fitness was ripped away by lethargy and a sense of “what’s the point”. At this point I was too afraid to ask for help. I was fearful of what may become of my reputation as a “war-fighter” should I come forward with these feelings I had never understood previously.

  
  At this point in my career, mental-health seemed taboo. I had seen the guys that had been downgraded for mental-health issues mocked and bullied. This wasn’t something I was willing to face and decided this was just a phase and I would get over it. I was only 20. Maybe it was some kind of coming into adulthood that everyone goes through? Reflecting on this period of my life though, I was unhealthy. The clouded thoughts, the need to drink most nights so as not to feel sad, the inability to think straight in my waking hours and the vivid dreams I would have of my own death funeral. These feelings were quickly escalating into a contemplation of whether life was actually worth living or whether things would become easier if not.

  
  The morning I decided to ask for help was the day after I decided that maybe things would be “easier if not”. Watching my Mum and Dad weep over me the day after. A long journey of crying in front of Medical Officer’s and my boss with no explanation as to “why?’’. A path of systematically destroying my own body with alcohol. My friends not understanding why their mate has turned into “a prick” for lack of a better term. Months of inconsolable sadness, anger and worthlessness. It was time to get better. Given that I feared for my reputation and career I reached out to a close friend/colleague who got me in touch with a few different resources. In the end though, I came to learn that time was really the best medicine. Time and the advice given by those who had been through it before.

  
  It was a long slog back to wellness. It was hard. And at first it didn’t seem to help. I am pretty confident in saying that the first few times I got back into chasing deer and getting back into my fitness is still to date one of the hardest things I have ever done. Mentally my brain refused to give me the motivation I desperately needed. But the more you push through it the better you start to feel.

  
  My advice to those experiencing the “bite of the black dog”? It’s called the bite because it hurts. It’s painful. And with every bite, a scar will be left over. This scar might remind you of the time you were hurt. Reach out. Get help to heal your bite. It may take a while to heal, and the wound might reopen from time to time. You will heal though.

  
  My advice to those that have recovered from their “bite”? Share your experience. Speak to those under your command, your peers and your family. Be unashamed of what you’ve been through. You might be talking to someone that might need to hear that they aren’t alone or crazy for going through it all. You could be potentially saving someone’s mum, dad, brother, son, sister, daughter before their own “bite” becomes too infected to save.

  
  To read the PDF version of LCPL Mike's story click here.

• Read Andrew's story of living with depression

  I experienced my first bout of depression almost 15 years ago after I had left the Army for the first time. My wife and I had purchased a business, however, within six months I wanted to sell up, I disliked it intensely and felt totally trapped because the opportunities to earn a comparable salary where we had settled were limited. From the outside looking in it would have appeared I had everything – a stable marriage, three amazing children, a beautiful home that we had built with a swimming pool, a business and several vehicles. However, life for me was grey and all these things brought no joy. I had started contemplating how I could end my life without it being obvious as I didn’t want my children to live with the stigma of having a dad who had committed suicide.

  I thank God for a supportive wife and my faith. She encouraged me to see a doctor, who placed me on anti-depressant medication. Almost immediately my outlook on life started to improve and over the next three years I recovered to the point where I could come off the medication.

  I had the opportunity to return to the Army full-time, and reconnect with the culture and work environment I had missed. All was going well until I was deployed to Afghanistan where I experienced a second bout of depression. I had expected to be constantly busy as I had been during my first two deployments, however, this was a very different role and most people had lots of down time – but I deliberately filled every day with what I considered were essential tasks. Towards the end of my nine month tour the workload increased as I prepared for a major event. This additional responsibility and workload was the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ and my mental state deteriorated rapidly. Thankfully, this time I recognised what was happening to me and I sought help from the MO, he had helped many others in my situation and proved to be a great support. I remember presenting with a mouth full of ulcers, the inability to sleep and very low mood – life was particularly bleak from my perspective. The MO supported me through the remainder of the tour and I made an appointment with a doctor in NZ on my way home. I was again placed on medication and also referred for counselling which I found very helpful. I was aware that being placed on medication would result in a medical downgrade but for me this was a small price to pay when compared to my long-term mental wellbeing.

  I have tried to come off the anti-depressant medication on two occasions over the last six years as I didn’t want to remain downgraded. Unfortunately on both occasions I deteriorated rapidly so in consultation with the MO we have agreed that the best course of action for me and my family is to remain on medication. I can still deploy – I just have to apply for a waiver, which if I remain stable is largely a formality.

  My take outs and advice to others are that sometimes people get depressed, just as some people get diabetes or arthritis. But the very nature of depression and the impact it has on how we think and feel, can make those first steps reaching out for a helping hand very difficult. Doing so though is critical, sometimes we can’t go it alone.

  Over time I have learned to live with depression and from my experience it really only impacts me when I am under significant pressure at home or at work over an extended period of time. Exercise, diet and sleep all are all critical factors that help me cope. I may get another bout of depression in my life, but I now know the early warning signs and that the first step is to ask for help.

  To access the PDF of this story and others, please click here.

Signs of major depression

About 1 in 7 kiwis will experience major depression in their lifetime. Major depression is very different from simply feeling 'blue' from time to time and includes the following changes:

• Changes in relationships

  Changes in relationships are often part of low mood and depression, and can also make things worse.

  People who experience depression may become unhappy and dissatisfied with their family relationships, close friends, etc. They may feel shy and anxious around others and have trouble socialising. They may feel lonely and unloved, but at the same time, feel unable to reach out to others.

• Changes in mood

  Moods common to depression include sadness, anxiety, guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness and anger. It can also feel like a disconnection from your feelings, or an inability to feel anything or enjoy things.

  Some experiencing depression may not feel bad all day but still describe a dismal outlook and a sense of gloom. Our mood may lift with a positive experience such as seeing a good friend, but will fall again with even a minor disappointment.

  For others, a low mood will persist throughout the day, failing to lift even when pleasant things happen.

  Some people experience many of the things listed here, without having a sense of being ‘down’. That can still be depression.

• Physical changes

  Trouble falling, or staying, asleep and waking up too early is common. Some people, on the other hand, find themselves sleeping more.

  Weight can change, with appetite decreasing or increasing significantly.

  Sexual interest may decline.

  Energy levels fall, as does motivation to carry out everyday activities.

  A person may not get much or any enjoyment from things that were once enjoyable in the past.

• Changes in thinking

  Trouble falling, or staying, asleep and waking up too early is common. Some people, on the other hand, find themselves sleeping more.

  Weight can change, with appetite decreasing or increasing significantly.

  Sexual interest may decline.

  Energy levels fall, as does motivation to carry out everyday activities.

  A person may not get much or any enjoyment from things that were once enjoyable in the past.